Saturday, August 29, 2009

A Woman's Week at the Gym

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into aregular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week ofpersonal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school footballcheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go aheadand give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer namedChristo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor andmodel for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it waswell worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting forme. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and adazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watchingthe skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workouttoday. Very inspiring! Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was alreadyaching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going tobe a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then heput weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I madethe full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!!It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on thecounter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other clubmembers. His voice is a little to perky for that early in the morning andwhen he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on thestair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activityrendered obsolete by Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.

THURSDAY: Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as histhin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being ahalf an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ranand hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated anyother human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body Icould move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! Andif you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutritionteacher .Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or thechoir director?

SATURDAY: Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voicewondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made mewant to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to evenuse the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of theWeather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go andthank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year myhusband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he wouldhave sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! Send this to a friend who needs to laugh. We all need a good laugh

No comments: